What scientists believe is a rift between dimensions has opened up on State Street between the location of the Dollar General and the newly opened. “I can’t believe someone actually signed off on this” said Jeffrey Lowan, Dollar Store expert and amateur ghost hunter. “On every level this is wrong, and needs to be stopped.”

The race is on between officials from CERN, who aim to perform a number of experiments in the area, and US oil companies who want to drill into the rift for oil. But for now, federal officials have barricaded the area to prevent people from accidentally getting sucked into the rift.